Happily Ever After

[The Midweek Encounter is a ministry of Encounter Church in Kentwood, MI. These posts are reflections on Sunday's message, which can be heard here each week: http://myencounterchurch.org/#/messages-media]

A short time after Caleb and I began dating, he heard some “excellent” relationship advice that he just had to share with me: “Run hard and fast toward Jesus; if out of the corner of your eye, you see someone else running the same way, that’s someone to consider.” And I thought to myself, “am I about to be dumped for not reading my Bible enough?!”

I’m pretty sure I said something like, “That’s exactly how we found each other!” and then immediately redirecting the conversation. Perhaps you’ve been in a similar situation where your mouth says you love God first and most, but your actions show that your heart is otherwise ordered.

I was running toward Caleb. I definitely loved Jesus, but finding a boyfriend/husband seemed to be a much more tangible goal than growing a relationship with God. There really was a part of me that wanted God to be first in my life, the part that admired missionaries in foreign countries, people who were planning to go to seminary, and girls who woke up early for quiet time instead of mirror time; that part of me knew this was excellent advice. And there was another part of me, the part that likes romantic comedies, flowers and chocolate, and Caleb; that part of me was winning.

Similar advice is distilled by the writer of Proverbs in a few verses found at the very end of chapter 31.

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Charm is a cover up.  If you’re covering up what’s underneath, you’re probably not hiding a kind heart and God-loving spirit. Beauty is attractive, but gravity and biology will eventually win: things stretch and sag (that tattoo won’t be in the same place when you’re 70…), hair turns gray, and wrinkles replace tan lines. Relationships built on temporal, worldly things will quickly fail to satisfy.  

Photo Credit: Flickr user Jelle Drok 

We can hear all of that, though, and still miss the point: the writer isn’t directing us to a better form of love, rather to a different object of our love. He confronts our cultural norms; movies, sitcoms, dramas and lifestyle magazines promote the idea that romantic love is the ultimate human endeavor. The false promise is that the right person will fill all our empty places, repair all of our pot holes – someone who makes us feel happily ever after. No human can live up to that standard. 

If the focus of your life is finding ultimate satisfaction in a mate, it will be a bumpy and unsatisfying ride. Earlier in Proverbs 31 the writer describes an ideal spouse; if you read those verses, you will discover that being the perfect spouse is an impossible standard! Instead of attempting perfection and failing, we are invited to acknowledge that we don’t come close to measuring up, but that Jesus measures up perfectly. The holes and missteps and places we lack in marriage – or in anything – should drive us to Him.

Some years of marriage (not even a ton! Just some!) have revealed the not-so-secret secret that Caleb cannot be everything to me. He is wonderful, self-sacrificing, deeply loving and caring; but he is also flawed, finite, and limited in time and power. God, however, is infinite; He is able to meet all of my needs. He is perfect! God is the creator of needs, and the fulfiller. He is the only one who can repair our pot holes and fill our empty places. Marriage is His design, and it is undoubtedly a blessing to be enjoyed; but it is not the ultimate thing. He is. He was. He always will be.

Whenever we put something in God’s place, the idol we create will disappoint us. Normally we think of idols as really bad things like hoarding wealth, power, or pleasure. Marriage is a sneaky idol, because desiring a good marriage is not a bad! But John Calvin would tell us, “The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but that we want it too much.” Even the best marriage will never fulfill us in the way that God can.

Pastor Dirk boiled the author’s advice down to a few questions:  what is your perspective? Do you fear God and have your eyes on Him? Is your happily ever after in His kingdom that is coming? Are you being transformed by the Spirit to be more like Christ? If so, marriages (and the process of finding someone to marry!) will be positively affected by the new creation you are becoming.  

So how do you get to 40 years of bliss? Not by finding the perfect mate, becoming the perfect mate, or by trying to perfect the one you have. Rather, by encouraging one another as you run the good race, pressing on toward the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24, Philippians 3:14) Encourage each other not to be better spouses, but more faithful servants of the Most High God. 

[Robin Bupp is married to Caleb, and they are from many places east of the Mississippi (but are calling Michigan home for the foreseeable future). A former high school science teacher, Robin is slowly turning the two Bupp kiddos into tiny nerds while they teach her lots of things, including humility and patience.]